Aries
I used to tutor in a second grade classroom with a poster of a beagle wearing a little newsboy cap. I think it was supposed to be Jack Kerouac as a dog. The poster said something like “Feel the beat of the bow-wow beatnik." For some reason, that poster always comes to mind when I sit down to write my monthly Aries horoscope.
This June, that little doggy is your guiding star. It’s telling you to sniff out intellectual or mind-expanding pursuits. Take to the open road, read something, learn something, smoke something. Answer the call of the bow-wow beatnik. Howl.
Try to take it slow, though. Aries are natural trailblazers, but maybe you want to play follow-the-leader for once. Make good decisions this month, please.
Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: The Barking Ghost
Taurus
It was a dark and stormy night. That’s when I wrote this horoscope. Unfortunately, it may also be the weather forecast of your soul in early June. Keep the Kleenex nearby for the first few days of the month. Then get ready to step outside.
The clouds will break, but your vantage point will have an obstructed view. Decision-making could prove difficult. Don’t be too hasty. Peek around the corner before you charge in full horn. Get a plan. And don’t be afraid to get some advice from your own personal peanut gallery.
Later in June, you may encounter people who challenge you in an exciting way. Even Taurus natives who turn away from conflict are likely to be drawn in. Blunt and stubborn meets stubborn and blunt. Don’t put your hoof in your mouth.
Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: My Best Friend Is Invisible
Gemini
What’s up, Gemini? We’re doing free association this month. I pictured Gemini and remembered the Mighty Jagrafess of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe. Why? I haven’t liked Doctor Who since 2008.
This month, Gemini natives can relate. You’ve got things on your mind, but you've refused to step into the phonebox without a fight. Well, the fight is now. Unfortunately, you've put it off so long that conflicts may be bigger on the inside than they first appear. A situation you thought was in the past may burn bright one last time. Could that mean you weren’t ready to let go?
Rather than a knock-down-drag-out, this month’s clash may be an internal affair. Rumination is ruination, Gemini. Pour out your brain soup and get inside the phonebox.
Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: The Haunted Mask
Cancer
“I like ice cream a whole lot / it tastes good when days are hot.” These timeless lines from esteemed poet Vada Sultenfuss are your whole vibe this June, Cancer. You’re cool, creamy, and collected. You’re silky smooth Jif. Moms choose you. And so does everyone else.
Don’t let it go to your head, OK? Remember your humility when the ice cream truck comes by. Don’t forget your old faves. Who is the ice cream sandwich of your eye? Who’s your favorite wonky-eyed SpongeBob? Turn away from the mirror and give them some attention.
Late June brings a chance to get hands-on. Snap a photo. Carve a spoon. Paint a koi fish in the style of Cheng-Khee Chee. Just do something novel. Or write a novel. Hey, it might be fun.
Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: It Came From Beneath the Sink!
Leo
There’s been a little spider in my shower that looks like this:
/\/\(. _ .)/\/\
You start this month as that spider. Not in my shower, obviously. More like watching the TV from the outside of the shop window. You can see the scene, but it’s hard to hear what anyone is saying. You definitely can’t join in.
People might be wondering what happened to the gregarious Leo who can’t help but charm the world. You might be too. But remember that it’s OK to have some downtime. Climb down from the shower wall and do your inner work already. By mid-June, you’ll be back to your old ways.
I also see indulgence in your future. A delicious meal, a luxury item, or a spa day may be just what you need in late June. If you were a barnyard spider, you’d skip past “Humble” and weave “Buffet.”
Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: The Cuckoo Clock of Doom
Virgo
Virgos may have ended May feeling a little listless. For the most list-making sign, it was one of the biggest slumps of the year. But June has you revving your engine once again.
So what’s got you running red lights? It could be the beam from the heavens that is lighting up your desire to step out and circulate. Your tried-and-true crowd will always be there for you. Why not mix it up with a few new faces?
Maybe you want your own new face too. I don’t mean a full nip/tuck, although now’s the time to get the ball rolling if it’s on your to-do list. But a gentler approach is what I see for you: an updated hairstyle, a polished outfit, or a new scent. Practical Virgos will likely spring for a haircut and leave the full-body reconstruction for the next fiscal year.
Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: How I Got My Shrunken Head
Libra
When I was 13, I knew a girl who liked to draw anime characters. She saw me admiring her work, so she drew a picture of me in that art style. I can’t remember that girl’s name, but I didn’t forget her generosity. Or the big eyes and extra spiky hair she gave me.
This month, you’re called to be similarly generous. You don’t have to go out there and draw your acquaintances as anime. But maybe you’ll cook someone a special meal. Maybe you’ll lend a listening ear. Or maybe you’ll just be more patient with the people blocking the aisles at the grocery store.
But watch out. Your usual patience could be worn thin by the middle of the month. Instead of closing up shop, try to have a conversation. Being fair means being fair to yourself too.
Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: Welcome to the Wicked Wax Museum
Scorpio
Ever heard the saying “Good fences make good neighbors”? Scorpio natives would do well to remember it this June. Set boundaries. Say no. You don’t have to create a fortress of solitude with a 50-foot privacy fence. But a nice split rail would do the trick.
By mid-June, you’ll be ready to reach across the chainlink. Steamy new relationships could form for unpaired Scorps. But this could also just mean deepening bonds with friends or others close to you. No need to make it a dramatic affair. That “Beware of Dog” sign should not refer to you.
Late June brings energy into your career department. A new job, a new project at work, or a once-in-a-lifetime windfall could come your way. But probably not the last one. You gotta climb more fences for that.
Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: Say Cheese and Die!
Sagittarius
In writing this, I had a whole metaphor for you that referenced “C’mon Get Happy.” As in, The Partridge Family theme song. But then I realized that’s insane, you’re probably, like, 20 years old, and nobody cares about The Partridge Family.
So here’s the deal: the universe wants you to focus on your health this month. You’re being called to eat well, exercise in a way that works for you, and make that medical appointment you’ve been putting off. Don’t get mad at me. You’re the one who put it off.
By the end of the month, “C’mon Get Healthy” moves to “C’mon Get Clever” as your focus shifts to creativity. You have the opportunity now to innovate. Pick a medium, and get to making. You never know, your creation could cause a stir. What if all this world needs is for you to write a kid-friendly sitcom about a brand-new bird-named family?
Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: Secret Agent Grandma
Capricorn
You’re giving corndog, Capricorn. Soft in the middle, with a fluffy coat on. Hot doggin’ with a stick up your butt. You’re doing too much, and your stress is showing. This June, try to relax. Shed your coat. Let your shriveled hot dog body breathe. Early month is a good time for a little layabout.
By the solstice, you’ll be ready to add some more appropriate adornments. Ketchup and mustard may come in the form of pool days and picnics. A scoopful of chili is a pile of beach reads. Be productive, but make it fun.
At the end of the month, it’s time to get grilled. Difficult questions may come up in your close relationships. Be frank.
Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: Escape from the Carnival of Horrors
Aquarius
This month, Aquarius natives everywhere are jabbed in the side by a lovely beam from whichever planet rules cleaning your house. You’re in nest mode this month, inspired to clean up, get organized, and decorate. Get the sweaty stuff out of the way first. After that, it’ll feel good to put out those fresh new trinkets.
You know what will also feel good? Having a serious conversation with that person who pissed you off. Or even better: the person you pissed off. Your house is in order, so why not get your relationships in order too? This June is the perfect time to get it all done and dusted.
Your energy may fade by the end of the month. But that doesn’t mean you’re done being introspective. Take a notebook from that tidy pile you made in early June, and write down your reflections.
Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: Lost in Stinkeye Swamp
Pisces
Pisces natives have a reputation for being a little spacey. You’re all out there floating around with the Voyager Golden Records, Gene Roddenberry’s ashes, and that dumbass Tesla Roadster that SpaceX vomited into the universe in 2018. You don’t always love to come back down to Earth.
But this month, you’re happy to be at home. Spend some time with your housemates in early June, whether that’s your family, roommate, or pet. Chances are, they’ll love the attention. You could end up having some game-changing conversations. Now’s the time to suss out what your cat really thinks.
Later in the month, a ray of creative energy beams down from Mr. Roddenberry. Channel this into working on a silly passion project. Don’t worry about money or engagement. Capitalism can wait. Right now, make something to put on your own Golden Record.
Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: I Live in Your Basement!
