How I Got My Hamster Fluffy

February 5, 2026

That year I took a standardized writing test administered by Columbus Public Schools and, in the glue-smelling prison of Mrs. Roberts's second grade classroom, crafted the influential essay "How I Got My Hamster Fluffy." No one yet knew what a game changer it would be.

That summer the test scorers toiled over paper piles in search of a golden ticket among the masses of detritus written by eight-year-olds across the city. The driveling self-indulgence of these failed child writers compelled several scorers to lay down their red pens and retire from scoring on the spot.

But then at last, snatched from the landfill, a work which appeared at first glance to be a humble essay but in reality turned out to be the seminal hamster writing of the 1990s, written by me, the undiscovered genius of the second grade whose highest literary achievement up to that point was reading Hanson: The Official Book cover to cover.

But now I had ascended. Finally, a second grader—a scholar, a scribe—whose works could be shelved alongside the greats.

The scorers sent home a permission slip begging me to please, please, please allow teachers to use my essay as a teaching tool. My benevolent permission was granted, and from then on thousands of children pored over the essay each year, studying its many intricacies and complexities to learn not to write but to compose. It was the least that I could do.

But more important than those children’s education was me, the newest literary genius of Columbus, Ohio. "How I Got My Hamster Fluffy" was my first published work, and not even the sky was the limit. This was the beginning of my not at all lackluster career as a writer. The essay that launched 1,000 clickbait articles. The success that led to impossible riches beyond your wildest——

OK sorry sorry sorry. Did I mention driveling self-indulgence?

In all seriousness, I found my essay while digging through a box last week and thought it would be funny to share this truly mortifying piece of childhood writing.

It genuinely (and hilariously) was used as a teaching tool, and the praise that eight-year-old me received from it most definitely sparked my interest in writing... and led me to spurn other more lucrative options in pursuit of a "writing" "career." (Dumdum since second grade.)

Anyway that’s enough chatter. Here’s the original essay, followed by a transcription further down the page (lightly edited for clarity):

How I Got My Hamster Fluffy

I got my hamster at a pet store. I was going to have to save my own money to buy it. The day after the day I wanted a hamster my stepdad took my step brother, my sister, and I to the pet store. We all waited an hour because the pet store was closed.

So we went to another pet store. We looked at all the animals. There were so many animals. We looked at fish, lizards, rabbits, snakes, turtles, dogs, birds, rats, cats, kittens and frogs. There were so many different kinds of animals.

Then we looked for hamster food. Next we looked for a drinking bottle. Then we looked for a cage. Then a wheel. Then we got the pet store man and we picked out our hamsters. He put them in a box. Then we got in the car and went home.

When we got home, the hamsters played together. A few months after that my hamster had babies. I got to keep one of them.

A few months after that my step brother’s hamster died and then my sister’s died. They threw them in the lake afterwards.

Then I had to move so I had to give my hamsters away. I don’t care about them anymore. I know I’ll never see them again. It was fun while it lasted for me, my sister, and my step brother.

It’s the "I don’t care about them anymore" for me. No love for the hamster I raised.