This June, that little doggy is your guiding star. It’s telling you to sniff out intellectual or mind-expanding pursuits. Take to the open road, read something, learn something, smoke something. Answer the call of the bow-wow beatnik. Howl.

Try to take it slow, though. Aries are natural trailblazers, but maybe you want to play follow-the-leader for once. Make good decisions this month, please.Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: The Barking Ghost

Taurus

The clouds will break, but your vantage point will have an obstructed view. Decision-making could prove difficult. Don’t be too hasty. Peek around the corner before you charge in full horn. Get a plan. And don’t be afraid to get some advice from your own personal peanut gallery.

Later in June, you may encounter people who challenge you in an exciting way. Even Taurus natives who turn away from conflict are likely to be drawn in. Blunt and stubborn meets stubborn and blunt. Don’t put your hoof in your mouth.Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: My Best Friend Is Invisible

Gemini

This month, Gemini natives can relate. You’ve got things on your mind, but you've refused to step into the phonebox without a fight. Well, the fight is now. Unfortunately, you've put it off so long that conflicts may be bigger on the inside than they first appear. A situation you thought was in the past may burn bright one last time. Could that mean you weren’t ready to let go?

Rather than a knock-down-drag-out, this month’s clash may be an internal affair. Rumination is ruination, Gemini. Pour out your brain soup and get inside the phonebox.Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: The Haunted Mask

Cancer

Don’t let it go to your head, OK? Remember your humility when the ice cream truck comes by. Don’t forget your old faves. Who is the ice cream sandwich of your eye? Who’s your favorite wonky-eyed SpongeBob? Turn away from the mirror and give them some attention.

Late June brings a chance to get hands-on. Snap a photo. Carve a spoon. Paint a koi fish in the style of Cheng-Khee Chee. Just do something novel. Or write a novel. Hey, it might be fun.Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: It Came From Beneath the Sink!

Leo

/\/\(. _ .)/\/\

You start this month as that spider. Not in my shower, obviously. More like watching the TV from the outside of the shop window. You can see the scene, but it’s hard to hear what anyone is saying. You definitely can’t join in.

People might be wondering what happened to the gregarious Leo who can’t help but charm the world. You might be too. But remember that it’s OK to have some downtime. Climb down from the shower wall and do your inner work already. By mid-June, you’ll be back to your old ways.

I also see indulgence in your future. A delicious meal, a luxury item, or a spa day may be just what you need in late June. If you were a barnyard spider, you’d skip past “Humble” and weave “Buffet.”Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: The Cuckoo Clock of Doom

Virgo

So what’s got you running red lights? It could be the beam from the heavens that is lighting up your desire to step out and circulate. Your tried-and-true crowd will always be there for you. Why not mix it up with a few new faces?

Maybe you want your own new face too. I don’t mean a full nip/tuck, although now’s the time to get the ball rolling if it’s on your to-do list. But a gentler approach is what I see for you: an updated hairstyle, a polished outfit, or a new scent. Practical Virgos will likely spring for a haircut and leave the full-body reconstruction for the next fiscal year.Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: How I Got My Shrunken Head

Libra

This month, you’re called to be similarly generous. You don’t have to go out there and draw your acquaintances as anime. But maybe you’ll cook someone a special meal. Maybe you’ll lend a listening ear. Or maybe you’ll just be more patient with the people blocking the aisles at the grocery store.

But watch out. Your usual patience could be worn thin by the middle of the month. Instead of closing up shop, try to have a conversation. Being fair means being fair to yourself too.Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: Welcome to the Wicked Wax Museum

Scorpio

By mid-June, you’ll be ready to reach across the chainlink. Steamy new relationships could form for unpaired Scorps. But this could also just mean deepening bonds with friends or others close to you. No need to make it a dramatic affair. That “Beware of Dog” sign should not refer to you.

Late June brings energy into your career department. A new job, a new project at work, or a once-in-a-lifetime windfall could come your way. But probably not the last one. You gotta climb more fences for that.Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: Say Cheese and Die!

Sagittarius

So here’s the deal: the universe wants you to focus on your health this month. You’re being called to eat well, exercise in a way that works for you, and make that medical appointment you’ve been putting off. Don’t get mad at me. You’re the one who put it off.

By the end of the month, “C’mon Get Healthy” moves to “C’mon Get Clever” as your focus shifts to creativity. You have the opportunity now to innovate. Pick a medium, and get to making. You never know, your creation could cause a stir. What if all this world needs is for you to write a kid-friendly sitcom about a brand-new bird-named family?Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: Secret Agent Grandma

Capricorn

By the solstice, you’ll be ready to add some more appropriate adornments. Ketchup and mustard may come in the form of pool days and picnics. A scoopful of chili is a pile of beach reads. Be productive, but make it fun.

At the end of the month, it’s time to get grilled. Difficult questions may come up in your close relationships. Be frank.Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: Escape from the Carnival of Horrors

Aquarius

You know what will also feel good? Having a serious conversation with that person who pissed you off. Or even better: the person you pissed off. Your house is in order, so why not get your relationships in order too? This June is the perfect time to get it all done and dusted.

Your energy may fade by the end of the month. But that doesn’t mean you’re done being introspective. Take a notebook from that tidy pile you made in early June, and write down your reflections.Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: Lost in Stinkeye Swamp

Pisces

But this month, you’re happy to be at home. Spend some time with your housemates in early June, whether that’s your family, roommate, or pet. Chances are, they’ll love the attention. You could end up having some game-changing conversations. Now’s the time to suss out what your cat really thinks.

Later in the month, a ray of creative energy beams down from Mr. Roddenberry. Channel this into working on a silly passion project. Don’t worry about money or engagement. Capitalism can wait. Right now, make something to put on your own Golden Record.Your Inner Goosebumps Book in June: I Live in Your Basement! ]]> https://oopsiedoodle.com/posts/2026/demons-souls https://oopsiedoodle.com/posts/2026/demons-souls Fri May 29 2026 00:00:00 GMT

The Dude Problem

Given Furbys' origins on a cloud-island in the sky³, it is unlikely that dee-doh carries the American historical meaning of "dude." More likely, dee-doh is an informal slang term whose meaning more closely resembles the modern definition of "dude."

At the time of the original Furbish research in the late 1990s, "dude" had spread through the English-speaking world after steady growth in previous decades⁴. While the term was not entirely gender-neutral, its use had become more generalized as a greeting for a person or group of any gender, as a filler-word exclamation, or as a discourse marker that signals a casual, laid-back relationship between the speaker and their audience.

Based on this historic context, it is believed that dee-doh has roughly the same function, and that its translation to "dude" by the original researchers was as much a commercial decision to promote the newly arrived Furbys as it was a genuine attempt to accurately translate the word. It would not be the first time linguistic nuance has been lost to corporate interests.

This reading is supported by the fact that, as discussed above, gendered words are seemingly rare in the Furbish language. This essay therefore concludes that dee-doh is not a gendered term but a casual word for "friend" with no gender connotations.

This conclusion is further underscored by what we know about Furbys' life on their cloud-island homeland, A-loh May-lah⁵, where their survival depended upon bonding with creatures called Eons⁶. In a society where such close relations are paramount to survival, it follows that multiple terms for "friend" would proliferate. As such, dee-doh can be redefined as an informal term for "friend," a counterpart to the previously recorded term, noo-lah.

The Avuncular Question

Of course, an uncle is the brother of one's parent. Little research has been done on Furbish family systems, but given the large population of Furbys on Earth, it is reasonable to speculate that typical Furby families are large, with the potential for many siblings, and thus many aunts and uncles in subsequent generations.

As such, it is reasonable to conclude that oo-kah should be taken at face value, as a term for the male sibling of one's parent. However, this presents an obvious problem: where are the aunts?

Likewise, where are the other words for family relationships? Later Furbish research has proposed mama as a term for "mommy." However, it is the opinion of this researcher that this is simply an English loanword that some in the Furbish diaspora began using. After all, Furbys have been on Earth for nearly 30 years; it is reasonable to expect that some assimilation has occurred.

Thus, oo-kah remains the only known Furbish word for a family member. If we take the translation of uncle at face value, we are forced to consider the possibility that Furbys have an avuncular society; that is, a society with special emphasis on uncle relationships.

This is certainly a logical conclusion given the evidence. It also plays into what we know of Furbish culture: many Furbish terms are playful and congenial, much like the American stereotype of the fun uncle. However, there is one caveat: Furbys themselves are nonbinary, according to the 1999 Furby Trainer's Guide⁷. This is not an isolated claim. A commercial for Furby Babies⁸ confirms it when it introduces the birth of a Furby as follows: "Is it a girl? Is it a boy? No. Congratulations, it's a Furby baby."

Consequently, there is no reason for Furbish to contain gendered terms for family members. It must therefore be concluded that oo-kah refers neither to uncles nor to any other male-identifying person, relative or otherwise.

Some have speculated that oo-kah could refer to "mercy," a secondary meaning of uncle in English. Given the historic context at the time of translation, this is a plausible suggestion. In the late 1990s, "Say uncle" was a common expression uttered by people—particularly male relatives of the uncle variety—when playfully tormenting children.

However, this connotation is out of step with what we know about Furbish society. The known Furbish lexicon includes no words that directly connote violence, domination, or bullying.

This suggests a cultural norm of kindness and cooperation, a fact which is again supported by Furbys' harmonious interspecies relationships with both Eons and humans.

With other potential meanings exhausted, it becomes more plausible that oo-kah is a non-gendered term for a relative. When considered within the historic context of the original researchers, more nuance emerges. Influenced by the patriarchal gender assumptions of the United States in the late 1990s, they encountered a term meaning "older, respected relative" or "fun, congenial relative" and assigned it to the nearest male-coded family term: uncle.

As with dee-doh, it becomes clear that oo-kah is not a gendered term at all. Hasbro yet again filtered Furbish research through the gender assumptions of English-speaking culture.

Oo-kah must therefore be redefined as a term that refers to a beloved older family member, one essential to Furbish family life. Any other interpretation would be a deviation from what is known about Furbish culture and society.

References

On any given walk around my neighborhood, you might see gutters full of old mail, discarded vapes, losing scratch-offs, broken McDonald's toys. There's an abandoned house nearby where people regularly dump big bags of junk. Last week it was a pile of old blankets, clothing still in drawers, and kitchen items mixed in with paper trash. People just ignore the NO DUMPING signs and let loose.

To say it pisses me off would be an understatement. The city usually cleans it up promptly when we report it. But by then it's too late. People have been invited to litter. That trash was already there, so why not add more? Motherfuckers around here will leave a full-sized couch in the middle of the street in broad daylight.

Kids live here. Let them ride their bikes without risking a wipeout in broken glass. Also, we're close to the Mississippi River. That shit goes to the ocean. If they won't think of the children, won't they think of the fish?

I'm tired of striving for success. At least, I'm tired of doing it in a sanctioned way, like in a corporate office building. Imagine just going out and cleaning up. It would have an immediate impact on the community and a long-term (albeit small) impact on the world. I wanna be like a beat cop, except with trash. ]]> https://oopsiedoodle.com/posts/2026/biscuit-movie-beer https://oopsiedoodle.com/posts/2026/biscuit-movie-beer Fri May 15 2026 00:00:00 GMT I went to the dentist this week. The great thing about my dentist is that they are freewheeling with the nitrous oxide. I think they cranked it too high, though. Somewhere between "Bennie and the Jets" and "Starman," I got lost and all the music started sounding like the band Beirut. Suddenly I was at a drunken parade and didn't mind that some lady was fist-deep in my mouth.

I did slightly mind that another patient, who seemingly had a close personal relationship with the entire dental office staff, came over while my mouth was open to show off a picture of a Bernedoodle dog. Its name was Biscuit. Dafuq?

I couldn’t bear to spend the night, so I drove home early that evening. My husband got home from work, and we decided to put on a light movie to decompress. Mean Girls is not one of my favorites, but he’d never seen it. We settled in for some delicious dissociation.

Somewhere between Cady making her own burn book and Regina getting hit by a bus, we got the call. Back up to Wisconsin we went.

What happened next is a blur. I know that all of my mom's kids were there, and her husband. And I recall heading home at 1 or 2 in the morning, following my sister's taillights down the empty roads. Her exit came about 40 miles before mine. As our cars parted ways, she texted me to be safe.

Weird. Our relationship isn’t usually like that.

Actually, she is a big Mean Girls fan. I wonder if this difference between us could be the key to our odd relationship. Growing up, it felt like we each played a role. She was the pretty one, and I was the smart one. She paid special attention to her appearance, and I thought I was an anti-conformist. Damn. Now that I think of this, it is not unlike the premise of Mean Girls.

It’s a stupid way to divide two people. My sister is a very smart person. And while I'm no supermodel, I don't feel the need to wear a paper bag over my head in public. I'm just a normal-looking person somewhere between Gisele Bündchen and Quasimodo.

My sister and I butted heads a lot. She was mean. In elementary school she used to hide my hair brush before school, and then taunt me for not brushing my hair once we got there. Bitch.

But I was a jerk too. One time as a young teenager I ordered a free copy of CosmoGirl! magazine to the house, addressed to her as Ugly Ugly Jasmine. She chased me home from the mailbox. Frankly, I still think this is funny. (Bitch.)

No one explicitly said "You're the pretty one, and you're the smart one." I think part of it came from her desire to emulate my mom, whose messaging was always "It's important to be attractive."

And another part of it was created through my opposition to my sister. Like my mom, she wanted to be the most beautiful person in the room. As the younger sister, I wanted to forge my own identity. I would be what I believed she was not.

Other people reinforced the dynamic, including our parents. Shit, it started at birth. My actual given name is akin to something you’d call a barnyard animal. My sister is named after a damn flower.

This continued over the years. My sister is the only one of us who had braces, for example. I definitely needed them, and now I walk the world with the Appalachian-issued teeth of my forefathers. (I mean, they’re crooked. I have managed to keep the rot away.)

Maybe they figured I didn’t care. I certainly pretended not to.

My mom was deeply concerned with physical appearance. She was also deeply concerned with what other people thought. When I was 13, she took me to get a haircut. It was the best my hair had ever looked.

I was not a popular kid in junior high. Like, I was genuinely picked last in gym class. But I went to school with my new hair and got a lot of compliments.

I still remember what my mom said when I came home and told her. "Are you sure they weren't making fun of you?"

Well, shit.

I had been sure, but now I wondered if they were just bullying me without my knowledge. Seventh grade was brutal. I used to go to homeroom and daydream about switching places with the class guinea pig. No one cared about its hair.

My reaction was to shove away from the expectations entirely. In doing so, I also shoved away from both my mom and my sister. I did a little space walk; still attached to the ship, but floating out there on my own.

Most of the time, anyway. My friend’s older sister did my hair before our fourth grade concert. It was a rare thing to be invited into her sacred teenage bedroom. She gave me a bun with perfect little ringlets and finished it off with a fine mist of glitter spray.

My own sister would never.

These days, the closest thing we have to a sisterly bond is that sometimes she’ll try to pawn off unwanted clothes and shoes. I have developed my own sense of style since my mismatched middle school days, so my answer is usually a polite but emphatic no.

We’ll probably never be the kinds of sisters who braid each other’s hair (or even hug), but we have a decent relationship now.

I also have a decent relationship with my mom now, because she is dead.

When my husband’s mom calls, I see “Mom” pop up on his phone and think for a split-second that it’s her.

I wish I could call her.

And sometimes I still wish I were a guinea pig. ]]>