Aries
Shhhh. You hear that silence? It’s the sound your brain makes when you forget to introspect. The system is offline. The network cannot be reached. Whatever vaguely computer-based metaphor you like. The point is, your robo-brain needs a tune-up. Why not do it this July?
Think your thoughts, feel your feelings. Ruminate. Write a journal, make a full-blown documentary about your trauma. Whatever you need to do to feel relieved. You’re a poet, you’re a sage, you’re a weirdo reading a dumb internet horoscope. Why wouldn’t you listen to my advice?
Later in the month, you’re ready to circulate. You may march to the beat of your own drum, but you are the drum major. Gather your followers and bang out some fun plans. Get talkin’. Make everyone come back to Cannes and screen your documentary there. Get yourself the hour-long standing O that you deserve.
Your Inner Thing A Kid Once Said To Me This Month: “I’m just a man in my bed wearing socks.”
Taurus
I used to be close friends with a Taurus. One time we stayed up until 4 a.m. hand sewing a gold-tasseled velvet bag for his tarot cards. Another time, we got big ideas about making paper with a Bill Nye-branded kit we found at Walmart. We waited hours for our other friends to join us, got mad, and ate all the pizza rolls without them.
That’s you this month, Taurus. You’re crafty. You wanna see the future with your friends. You’re impatient. And you’re sure as shit not letting the pizza rolls go cold.
Let July be a time of abundance and action. Catalog your big ideas. Let the talks linger. Set aside time to chase your whims. Don’t be afraid to stay up all night.
Your Inner Thing A Kid Once Said To Me This Month: “I made up a song called Ninja Death Palace.”
Gemini
Do you know why they call it Gemini? Because it sounds like gem-in-eye, and not in a good way. More often than not, your eyes want more than your wallet can handle. If that’s been the case lately, July might be a good time to get your finances unfucked.
But how do you satisfy the rabid need for acquisition without shaking the hand of poverty? To start, hit unsubscribe. You don’t need any more emails that try to convince you that the latest TikTok trend isn’t gonna end up in a landfill faster than you can say “Labubu.” Turn off the notification machine and go touch green—and not the money kind.
While you’re practicing the art of money Muay Thai, leave a little room for your friends. Affordable activities are the name of the game. Think ice cream date, picnic in the park, cutting up all your mom’s skirts to make new clothes for your Barbies. Grab your pals, get outside, and save for your damn retirement already.
Your Inner Thing A Kid Once Said To Me This Month: “Do you have kids? Do you drive a car?”
Cancer
Have you ever seen that episode of SpongeBob where he struggles to lift a dumbbell that has a teddy bear on either end? That’s you this month, Cancer. I’m not saying you haven’t been eating your spinach. It’s more of a metaphorical dumbbell, and each teddy represents a part of yourself that you’ve been hiding. What would happen if you did a few reps?
I also see collaboration in your future, perhaps with someone unexpected. If you have projects waiting in the wings, it might be time to call in a fresh eye. The Patricks of your life are well and good, but what would happen if you ventured further afield? Larry’s waiting at the beach. Recruit him, and you’ll be pumped full of lobster confidence in no time.
By the end of the month, you’ll be ready to scurry back to the pineapple. Whoever kept the porch light on will be glad to welcome you back to the couch.
Your Inner Thing A Kid Once Said To Me This Month: “That zombie has SpongeBob teeth!”
Leo
Feeling tired? You’re Leonardo Lethargio this month, but your IMDB page looks like it belongs to Nic Cage. Slow down and take a nap. Maybe there is a map on the back of the Declaration of Independence, but you don’t need to be the one to find it. Shut the hell up and chill for a sec.
By mid-month, your sleepy roar will be loud enough to wake the neighbors yet again. Bust out of your enclosure and get to circulating. As usual, you’ll be the star of the zoo. Everyone will be hanging on to hear the jolly stories of your daily dramas.
Make sure that your judgment doesn’t take a backseat. People may come at you with starry eyes, but that doesn’t mean you need to do the same. Put on some sunglasses so you’re not blinded by the glare. Or don’t. Something tells me you’d be just as happy to let everyone line up to fan you with a big leaf.
Your Inner Thing A Kid Once Said To Me This Month: “My hamster’s name is Hammy Birthday Cake.”
Virgo
One time I went to a rave in a snowstorm. It was butt-ass cold, but people were still lined up outside in neon swimsuits and fishnets. This July, channel that. You don’t have to literally bare your cheeks in a blizzard, but a metaphorical mooning may be written in the stars.
Unclench and let life happen. Let yourself be seen without worrying about how it’ll make you look. Chances are, your closest friends will welcome a glimpse behind the curtain. A late-night session of back-and-forth soul-baring may help you strengthen your bond.
July could also be a great month for job-seeking Virgos, and for those who want to ask their current gig for a bit more cash. The money gods may smile on you, so don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. But make sure you wear pants.
Your Inner Thing A Kid Once Said To Me This Month: “I want to live in New York. There are a lot of murders.”
Libra
Where does the road go next? Career-questioning Libras have been at the fork for way too long. It’s time to make a choice. Step on the gas and take the exit for Right Fucking Now. New ideas, directions, and opportunities may emerge from the workplace woodwork this July.
While you’re on your way to whatever’s next, take a little time to explore. Speed on down the highway and take in roadside detours galore: giant fish, beefy muffler men, and more than a few junkyard Stonehenges. Keep one hand on the horn so you can warn away anyone who tries to stop you. This is your time.
Late in the month, you may want to make a pit stop. Slow down to let a few close friends climb aboard. Leave room for someone new, though. You didn’t hear it from me, but Libras who have a printer might just MapQuest their way into someone’s heart. Or not. Gross.
Your Inner Thing A Kid Once Said To Me This Month: “I’m saving my dirt bike gloves for my kids if I have any.”
Scorpio
Look at that point in the distance. See it? That thing way, way out there? That ominous blob? I think it’s coming closer. It looks like—oh, wait, it’s just a smudge on your glasses. There’s nothing out there; the real problem is here, right in front of you.
Scorpio, I'm just gonna lay it on you straight: it's time to wipe off the smudge. Unfold that little microfiber cloth you picked up at the avoidance convention and do what needs to be done.
Out there in the boneyard, your forgotten goals are turning to dust. Instead of letting your dreams scatter, go outside and grab a femur. Dig down and find the projects that are worth saving.
It’s not all femur and demur, though. Late in July, a beam of goodwill shines down from Planet Partner. A new collaborator may be on the horizon. Pass them a bone so they can join the dig.
Your Inner Thing A Kid Once Said To Me This Month: “Who made lava? Was it the devil?”
Sagittarius
I look into my crystal ball and see this elegant ballad for Sagittarius natives this month:
A peanut sat on a railroad track
Its heart was all aflutter
Around the bend came number 10
Toot! Toot! Peanut butter!
This July, you gotta decide: are you the peanut, or are you the train? Pick peanut, and you’re gonna get squashed. But maybe it’ll be worth it for the jar of salty-sweet delicious that you’ll become. You can find your favorite jelly and hold hands as you skip into the sunset.
Pick the train, and you gotta be the one doing the crushing. It’s OK; a smear of peanut on the tracks is nothing compared to the station you’re roaring into. Check the tickets carefully before you let anyone new aboard. But if all goes well, you’ll be ready to hook on to a new car and ride the rails to parts unknown. Watch out for peanuts.
Your Inner Thing A Kid Once Said To Me This Month: “We’re watching Johnny Tsunami. I have no idea what it’s about.”
Capricorn
Using the ancient wisdom of the stars, it’s easy to see what’s going to happen in your life, Capricorn. So easy, in fact, that you can do it yourself this month. I’m but a vessel for the knowledge of this vast and unknowable universe, and I’m tired now.
As a fellow Capricorn, I’d guess that you share my malaise. There’s something in the transmission about setting sail from Burnout Isle, but I can’t quite make it out. Maybe you wanna let the four winds blow you leeward, toward a place that doesn’t suck quite so much. Maybe Cleveland.
If there’s room on the raft, bring a friend. You can breathe the salty air, sip a malty drink, and enjoy the company of someone who isn’t asking for the next status report. You aren’t just a sea goat; you’re the goat of the sea. The water is vast and deep, but somehow your climbing hooves have figured out how to swim.
Your Inner Thing A Kid Once Said To Me This Month: “I’m not supposed to tell people my middle name.”
Aquarius
I used to be a tetherball ace. I knew all the moves, and I had the footwork to boot. OK, maybe I wasn’t that good. But you couldn’t have told me that on the playground. This July, the planetary powers that be want you to channel that old-school playground energy. Get scrappy with it.
This comes in the form of gritting your teeth and getting the work done. Instead of swinging aimlessly around the top of the pole, come on down to Earth and wrap up your lingering plans. Project-manage your way out of overwhelm. Or at least make a to-do list that doesn’t end up in the recycle bin.
It’s not all work this month, though. Your inner circle is calling, and they want to play four square. But this isn’t your typical dress-for-recess situation. You gotta get fancy with it. Pop on a sequined sunhat and hit the blacktop. Chances for deepened relationships could follow for those who aren’t afraid to play.
Your Inner Thing A Kid Once Said To Me This Month: “Sometimes I get head lice.”
Pisces
Feeling trapped, Pisces? I was recently at the wedding of a Pisces friend of mine. It was a lovely day, although there were a few tense minutes when the bride was accidentally trapped inside a locked office. Everything was fine, but I can’t stop smiling at the vision of her face through the glass of the door.
I’m not saying your psychic temperament this July is funny. But I am saying that being trapped behind the glass can only last for so long. Soon, someone will come to unlock the door. And when that happens, everybody better stand back. Your bouquet toss comes with big feelings, but it’s nothing your closest comrades can’t handle.
After the final dance, tie some tin cans to your bumper and drive off to the honeymoon. Domestic bliss will come for those who take care of their surroundings. Do a deep clean. Roll some paint. Put up shelves and arrange some flowers. Have fun with it; you won’t get locked in the office again with this energy.
Your Inner Thing A Kid Once Said To Me This Month: “Are you gonna die with that wedding ring on?”
