September 2026 Horoscopes

Aries

As a kid I lived near a pond with a big weeping willow tree along the banks. From a distance, it looked like the best place to play that you could possibly imagine. Arrange some sticks, cover them with leaves, and you have your very own witch's hut.

Or so you'd think. In reality, it smelled weird under there. My friend and I chose a nearby bush for our games instead. Still sheltered. Still perfect for pretending we were the orphan servants to a mysterious order of all-powerful elderly jailers. But a whole lot less odiferous.

Sometimes, you have to go with the less aesthetic choice. That's what the stars are tasking you with this month, Aries. Instead of going for the thing that looks the best on paper, pick the thing that stinks less. Not everything has to be sleek and shiny to be worthy of your attention.

Your Inner Cute Pokémon This Month: Clefairy

Taurus

Are you in pain, Taurus? Your predicament is reminding me of the time my friend got her tongue pierced hours before we went out for buffalo wings. They were delicious, but no amount of flavor was worth the self-inflicted sting. Not even ranch could save her.

This September, look around you. Are there any struggles of your own creation hanging out on your proverbial plate? You need to figure out what to do with them.

Self-soothing with a bottle of Hidden Valley may not be enough. It's time to get advice. Ask your most trusted friend, family member, or stranger with a piercing gun. Whoever you want. But don't ask me: the only thing the stars told me this month was to watch out on wing night.

Your Inner Cute Pokémon This Month: Ditto

Gemini

As a child, I thought Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were famous because they were the first twins ever born. That's why they had the privilege of starring in TV movies and direct-to-video masterpieces such as How the West Was Fun and The Case of Thorn Mansion.

Imagine my surprise when I learned that not only do other twins exist, but not all of them have filled the world's landfills with VHS tapes. That's how I see you this month, Gemini. Not lacking in talent, but lacking in divine intervention.

Not lacking a twin, though. The secret weapon in your back pocket is your #1 partner in crime. If this month were MySpace, they'd take up every space on your Top 8. Let them in, tell them what's up. Seek their advice and actually take it. But also, do the same for them. If you work well together, you might just change careers to start your own billion-dollar fashion brand.

Your Inner Cute Pokémon This Month: Tandemaus

Cancer

I've had several good Cancer friends. They're all lovely people with varied personalities and interests. But one thing they have in common is that they have all, for whatever reason, pissed me the hell off. (Some still do. You know who you are.)

Maybe it's because you're all too caring. Maybe you're too loyal. Maybe the advice you give is just too good. Whatever the case, it's repellant. Stop. There's something else that people want from you this month. It's for you to unzip your lizard-person suit and join us out here in Pettyville.

For real. My crystal ball says you've been holding back. If you're so loyal, why won't you share your spiteful judgments with your nearest and dearest? Come on, Cancer. We want to know what makes the crab inflict a pinch.

Your Inner Cute Pokémon This Month: Cubone

Leo

I often forget to write a Leo horoscope. Then I count them up, realize I only have eleven, and curse the day you were born. Sorry. If you were a state, you'd be Delaware: there, I guess, but utterly forgettable.

OK, maybe that's a little harsh. Actually, you'd be Ohio. Is that better for you?

The point is, your usual star power has a limit. You can't charm your way through every situation. This month, a hyperbeam of repugnance shoots down from the heavens and hits you square in your beautifully conditioned mane. You might have to work harder to get people's attention.

There there. It's only for a little bit. Next month, your preening will have more of a purpose once again. But in the meantime, enjoy your slice of humble pie. Sucker.

Your Inner Cute Pokémon This Month: Pombon

Virgo

This horoscope comes to you under the light of a Pisces moon. Or something. I don't know, it's overcast. Also, it's daytime. The point is, somewhere out there, a celestial so-and-so is doing whatever, and that's gonna make you happy this month. Trust me.

Why? Because Virgos everywhere are invited, for once, to put down the planner, pick up the pie, and smash it into the face of the world. Come on out of the tiny clown car you've squashed yourself into. Emerge, bitch.

After you've taken a good long stretch, get to dancing. No, really. This is your time to go after what you want. Disco yourself into the center ring. Slap the haters. You've got everyone's ear. What are you going to ask for?

Your Inner Cute Pokémon This Month: Togepi

Libra

O fair and charming Libra whose benevolence shines across the land. You would never put your thumb on the scale, would you? But maybe you should. Just a little. The scales of justice look a little fishy this September. Step away from the people-pleasing until at least September 17. Why? Because alliteration.

And also because you need a break. Decisionmaking is hard, but indecision can be even worse. Take some time away from not figuring anything out. Instead, just have nothing to figure out. What? It's easy.

By the end of the month, you should be ready to get back in the game. Spend the last week of September choosing which direction your career should take. Take two hours to decide your outfit for the gym. Take another to decide whether you want to go at all. Your expertise returns with a vengeance.

Your Inner Cute Pokémon This Month: Mantine

Scorpio

Hey, Scorpio. Have you ever read “Casey at the Bat”? I'm asking because there is no joy in Mudville this September, and it might be all your fault. Your confidence is usually charming, but all that swagger can rub some people the wrong way. This month, you go from all-time slugger to loser who strikes out. Ouchie.

It's not all disappointment, though. Somewhere out there, a band still continues to play. A kid finds a cool prize in her Cracker Jack box. Whatever. It's the circle of life, and now's your time to feel sad for a little bit.

Don't worry, it gets better. By the end of September, you'll be ready to convert your temporary washout into a whole new mode of existence. Or at least a feeling of mild hopefulness, like an affirmation written on the side of your mirror. “My failures don't preclude my determination.” Something along those lines. What a hopeful message from the heavens.

Your Inner Cute Pokémon This Month: Stufful

Sagittarius

One time I went to a concert featuring Paul Oakenfold, the Pet Shop Boys, and New Order. Near the end of his set, Paul Oakenfold said: “Paul Oakenfold, the Pet Shop Boys, and New Order? How did you get so lucky?!”

To be honest, I was only there to see New Order, so I didn't feel so lucky. But I appreciated Paul's gall so much that I wrote down his little quote.

I want you to channel his energy this month, Sagittarius. On a normal day, you're already loquacious as hell. But this month, audacious archers everywhere are called to turn it up a notch.

Take a chance. Say the thing no one is thinking. Maybe someone will write it down to later deploy at just the right moment on some unsuspecting stargazer. Or maybe it'll lead you somewhere fun. There's only one way to find out.

Your Inner Cute Pokémon This Month: Sprigatito

Capricorn

I'm writing this at work. You can't stop me. They can't stop me. I'll do what I want, and today I want to write dumb horoscopes for strangers on the internet. Other days, I make sketches of my surroundings, like this:

I have about 50 of those, all basically the same.

You might be wondering how I'm going to relate this to you, Capricorn. Very easily: the great celestial goat in the sky is telling me that you're feeling a little Groundhog Day. You do your work, you go home. Piss, shit, eat, repeat. How do you break the cycle?

I already told you: do weird stuff and get paid for it. You might have no choice but to grind, but you can take a couple of minutes out of your day to make something only you will appreciate.

Break out the Bics and make a doodle. Create a competing monthly horoscope, and do it better than I'd ever dare to dream. Make Post-It origami. Brew a potion. Take five minutes to transform your desk into a place of almost-fun. You can do it.

Your Inner Cute Pokémon This Month: Palossand

Aquarius

One time I took my six-year-old nephew to see the Grammy Award-winning children's group the Okee Dokee Brothers. For me, it was charming and delightful. For him, it was the worst thing he'd ever heard. We left early.

This month, Aquarius natives everywhere are called to leave. Go on and git. Nine times out of ten, it won't matter as much as you think it will. You don't have to like everything. You hate what you hate, and sometimes a Grammy Award isn't enough to make up for the fact that you hate it. If the stakes are low and your ick is high, just skedoodle.

Out in the fresh air, you might come across something that speaks to you on a cosmic level. Yeah, the celestial authorities call for you to keep your eyes peeled for the next big wow. It might just come down your alley this month. Maybe it will come in the form of a truck knocking over your garbage can. Be on the lookout, Aquarius.

Your Inner Cute Pokémon This Month: Togekiss

Pisces

Shhh. Hear that, Pisces? It's the sound of everyone leaving you the hell alone for a second. If your September starts as quiet as a kindergarten classroom at recess, that could be why. Now's your chance to open up the craft drawer and get creative. A fresh Crayola might be in order.

Or if you're like me in kindergarten, you'll have a blast taping together 4,500 construction paper wallets for all the cash you don't have. That's another theme for Pisces this September: money, or lack thereof. Creative as you are, you'll figure it out. Construction paper doesn't only make wallets.

By the time everyone else comes back in from recess, you'll be ready for some noise again. Get your friends together with your little triangles and tambourines and play a song. March around the room to, like, “Down by the Bay.” Did you ever see a Pisces with so few crises? Enjoy it while it lasts.

Your Inner Cute Pokémon This Month: Turtwig