Michael Simon Holy Grails

Today, I bring you my Michael Simon holy grails. These tacky, garish, bejeweled masterpieces need to be added to my closet yesterday.

My #1 holy grail is for publishers/Michael Simon/whoever else is in charge to wake up and realize that this world needs a fancy Michael Simon coffee table book full of Michael’s best knitwear from over the years. I demand it.

Anyway, here are my holy grail sweaters:

(As before, images taken with mild remorse from various marketplace listings.)

Solar System Cardigan

Other than the book, this is my #1 holy grail. Look at it! So fun!

I do own a purple sequined solar system cardigan (shown here). But this one is better. I’d trade the one I own for this one in half a heartbeat.

Snowflake Cardigan

I’m drawn to Michael Simon’s checkerboard designs for some reason. This one is a favorite.

Poinsettia Cardigan

Strangely, I don't have a Christmas-themed Michael Simon cardigan yet. This one is my top pick.

Watch Cardigan

This is listed for $400 on eBay. Well outside of my price range for a ridiculous sweater, even for a splurge. Probably, my only chance of owning it is stumbling upon it for $3 at a garage sale.

Fruit Cardigan

Heart Cardigan

Oh, but this one is fun too. I love Valentine's Day (see also: my vintage Valentine card collection). It's a cute holiday. Hearts are cute. Colorful hearts are even cuter. Add in the checkerboard pattern, and you have my ideal cardigan.

Sports Cardigan

Look, I am not an athletic person. I’m uncoordinated as hell. I’ve broken my arm three times. I used to hate even watching sports, let alone playing them. Unless the sport at hand is aimlessly whacking balls on a tennis court or minigolf course, I suck. Actually, even then I still suck.

But I have come to realize that watching sports can be fun. I’m not a diehard, but I regularly watch my local professional baseball and football teams fail miserably. If nothing else, the snacks are good.

All of this to say, I would totally wear this sports-themed cardigan. It gives “I don’t really know what’s going on, but I’m going to have fun anyway.” I like it.

Carousel Cardigan

You can’t go wrong with a circus theme. Unless it’s clowns. I have never come across a Michael Simon clown cardigan, but there could be one out there. I hope there is. Ridiculous knitwear genius that he is, I would love to see his rendition.

Pencils Cardigan

Despite my preoccupation with finding one very specific pencil, I'm not some kind of pencil weirdo. But this pencil cardigan is delightful.

(In writing this, I did look up some pencil collecting facts. I never said I won't become a pencil weirdo in the future.)

Cowboy Boot Cardigan

Look at this tasteful cowboy boot cardigan. A practical addition to any wardrobe. I can't decide if I like the black one better or this insane checkerboard monstrosity:

Truth be told, both are glorious. I'm not really into horses, or cowboys, or country music. I have no reason to own a cowboy boot cardigan. But that won't stop me from wanting one.

Striped Cat Sweater

Apparently, this one is pretty rare. I’m not sure; I’ve seen it around a few times. I like the color combo, and that it’s basically a Halloween sweater that can be worn at any time.

Bird House Cardigan

The perfect theme.

Flowers in Vases Cardigan

Another perfect theme. Why did Michael have to do this to me?

Appliance Cardigan

OK I really want this one. Who wouldn’t want to wear a microwave across their tit?