Pinball Wizard

August 3, 2026

We've been playing pinball lately. I play with the reflexes of a crockpot left on low for 12 hours. My husband is pretty good, though. The place we go recently got a new Sonic machine that he wanted to try. It's so new that all the pinball pros lined up to play it, most of them going back and forth between that and the new Pokémon machine.

The machine is cool, but I confess that I don't really care for Sonic. I don't think I ever made it out of Green Hill Zone. He's just too fast for me. We do share a love of chili dogs, though.

Ditto with Pokémon. Kids at my school were into it in the 90s, obviously. I got mad at my friend for being into it. Like, how could you leave our playground RPG for this? We were orphan wizard soldiers, but now you want to pass mildly cute cartoon cards back and forth?

I understand the appeal a little more now. Bulbasaur is cute. Togekiss is so damn cute. By far, Turtwig is the cutest Pokémon.

But as a video game, I'm not that into it. Walk, fight, walk, fight, walk.

As a pinball machine, it's pretty fun. I'm sure there are better ways to spend our household income, though. It costs $1 a game, which is expensive for someone whose games consistently last seconds. I spend less on a couple of Hamm's than I do on pinball.

Saturday was National Pinball Day, so games were half off. We went with a friend and played a bunch of three-player games at the Pokémon machine. My opponents made it well into nine figures, but I was happy with my 35-million-point high score.

I also caught a Murkrow. It was the only Pokémon I caught, which means it is now my favorite Pokémon despite the fact that it is kinda ugly.

I want pinball machines with cuter themes. I demand them. Give me primary colors. Give me pastels. Care Bears, Barbie, Candy Land.

Or give me an elaborate SpongeBob machine, complete with animatronics, Krabby Patties, and wacky seafaring music.

Or, like, maybe just horses? I think that'd be fun. Just horses. My dream is that the pinball champs would steer clear. I mean, an unlicensed, no-fanfare, horse-themed machine? Where's the glory? I see myself as the princess of the plastic pasture, basking in the glow of my high-score initials. It might be my only chance at being a pinball wizard.